[cover]
MEMO BOOK
*Note: All passages in italics were originally written in English.
[drawings]
The question is: if I became completely still, would the next moment ever come? The answer is: “no it wouldn’t come, I have to make it”; Translated: if I don’t go to the person, would ever the person come to me? The answer: “no, if I don’t go to the person to make with her my next moment, nobody will come to me”. Even more translated, in term of the past: “nobody at home came to me, I had to ask and beg and caress,
and give warmth, till the person would give me some attention”. Tania said: “till you were about 10, I was not very aware of you, suddenly I became aware how interesting you were” I suppose she really meant: I became aware how much you needed me.
I don’t know what to do when the person comes to me; I’m the one to go to the person. To be selected is disturbing. I have to ask, I have to select.
I’m afraid to lose “protection” — what kind of protection? What is the idea I make of having protection, of being protected? It is to have everything, and not to have the anxiety of the duty to give something in return? Protection of [presence]? Enough protection, so I’m able not to be afraid of going and be free, because I know I have where to return.
Dream – Two days before trip. Before dreaming: conscious thought: “I’m returning to the place where I came from. Ideally I’d go to the small Russian village, and be born again with another basis. Dream: a public meeting place, a pathetic important person (a man) was judging, I would or wouldn’t be selected (I think to go to Russia or
not), the audience was sitting in a circle – and in the middle, in the emptiness of the stage, the table, sat the very grave man, whom I was afraid of, I was called, and I sought to act in the most correct manner, gesture and words. He was accusing me in public. And he finally said I couldn’t go because in Russia only feminine women entered – and not me
betrayed myself
For I wasn’t. He had noticed two of my gestures, and what they symbolized. 1st) I had lit my own cigarette, but a woman waits with her cigarette until a man lights it 2nd) I myself moved the chair closer to the table, when I should have waited for him to do it for me. So I defended myself, I began to wake up, and I was already talking to [ILLEGIBLE] and trying
to defend myself, explaining that I couldn’t wait for someone to light a cigarette for me, I don’t know what other explanations.
Protection
Thinking about having protection – Thoughts that occurred to me and caused me anguish: I want anybody to hold my hand — (Daddy, when I was in pain, that’s how you helped me to bear pain) — I don’t want to be a single body, I’m cut out from the rest of me — the rest of me is my [mother]? [at] is another body.
To have a single body, surrounded by [rotation], it makes such a limited body. I feel anxiety, I’m afraid to be just one body. A little ball of mercury in the broken thermometer. — My fear and anxiety is of being one body.
1) 5 days – at the most
when I found out it wasn’t due to illness, it was travel I again asked– because otherwise it wouldn’t be possible to go.
2) [Vania], in Washington, asked if the plans suited me.
3) Flowers – I didn’t send any because I was there as her secretary. “But I’ll send chocolate to the child” I sent it [ILLEGIBLE] – – – – –
4) Drink in the room – do you want ice? No, you don’t want [denise] and I to get drunk?
5) In Paris, the bills she – someone is [tricking] [ILLEGIBLE] someone. Return her, pay me at night, you have to suck up the 4 cents.6) Return – saying she didn’t decide – saying to the man another week maybe I ask let me know telegraph child, why don’t you stay [more]? Well, until Wednesday, because I have a [ILLEGIBLE] on Thursday – didn’t ask me – never asking me if [ILLEGIBLE], never referring to the fact that to me and to everybody just 5 days, the maxim. be 3 days [ILLEGIBLE] 2 days in Paris.
6) I didn’t let anyone make a case out of me…
7) [ILLEGIBLE] – [ILLEGIBLE] of [ILLEGIBLE] didn’t say you were [neglect] – [ILLEGIBLE] – [never] you were [neglect]
8) He is my slave
9) One week – [dam]’s makes the reservationThen: every day, hours before – only [ILLEGIBLE] has to have reservations, so not to have to displace 2 other people. From that she changed, even to me, that was there – as a way of making know what she thinks and wants — that the only day we could go was Monday, but we would have to displace people — so better Tuesday I said. no, he said – he didn’t answer, didn’t like. And the thing became
like that: I’ll make reservat. not on Monday, but Tuesday, because the Embassy in Paris might [probably] will invite me.
[bills]
[Dinerzade] –
Read –
Latin America =
[drawings]
Day 16 – Friday
I lent 70 dollars to Alzira
Alzira lent me 40 of hers
Alzira owes me 30 dollars
—
Dia 17 Saturday (I have 14,000)
I owe Alzira:
3,536 (perfumes)
? 5,000 (dinner [Dinerzade])
? 2,000 (theater Sunday)
? 2,000 (theater Monday)
? 5,000 (dinner [ete])
—
? 17,536
I would have to be used [precariously] – (forcing me doing everything possible for me to go, and then saying that she went to the I had probably gone because of her? How absurd)
That’s how Tania did it: the balls, forcing for me to accompany her – They were grown ups,
I asked myself if I avoid getting close to people because I’m afraid of coming to hate them. I don’t get along with any[one]. I don’t have tolerance
— She told me, that I [harshly] that I am a person to whom it is difficult to give affection. I answered: well, I’m not the type who [breathes] affection. Her: you
almost push away the hand that is given to help you. Sometimes you need help, but don’t ask. Me: you say [to me] I don’t know how to ask. Her: you never ask Her: it’s strange how you’re humble and submissive. But it’s a rebellious submission [–] you give just the power of your fingers. My anger because. For I had a migraine due to not knowing tension, due to not knowing if I was doing everything right. I answered I ended up saying preoccupation children.
Dream: I was leaving a place where I was living, and I was very happy, and I was going to see Paulo. I was going to the children’s hospital, my heart beating with desire to see him. He was in the
Pierre de [Lescure]:
When I asked what he thought of [me] (more or less this) he answered: what was surprising is a certain tendency for me to become cerebral, (which normally can’t be intelligent), when everything in the novel is by a femme passiveé. And when he saw my we had the fight by letter, the passiveé side was confirmed. When he saw the portrait, it was confirmed again. And seeing me now it was confirmed again. For
Why this cerebral part that I don’t need? he said. A novelist should not be intelligent except to rewrite the book. Matisse repainted 7, 8 times a canvas.
Color charme cendre (Wella)
(Henry A. Kissinger – Harvard Center for International Affairs)
(What worries you most about America today)“The extraordinary passivity of our attitudes. Our rejection of the tragic aspect of life. We assure you can get what you want by wanting it badly enough. We tend to turn all our problems into administrative ones. We seem to be willing to do anything so long as it engages us only between the hours of nine and five. I don’t believe you can substitute good intentions for profound thought or for the anguish which is inseparable from
the creative. We cannot be spectators to our own fate. In a time of such enormous changes in all areas of our national life, we cannot look to the past for the answers. We must risk ourselves in finding new answers or we will disintegrate psychologically and morally.”
She who was urbanized and industrialized but an agrarian inheritance had come from way back
No, no, I don’t want to be me only because I have my own self. What I want is the extreme connection between the land of Brazil and me.
She had succumbed to an irresponsible desire to be possessed without being connected to the man
Nonetheless she had to struggle against her tendency to divinize man, she admired him so. Human beings Man in contrast with woman in man, he felt the
whirl of being alive in her, which was primitive and direct
No! I don’t want to be Platonic in relation to myself. I am deeply defeated by the world in which I live. And I separated myself from people because of my defeat and the idea that others were also
defeated. She didn’t want to be part of a world where the rich devour the poor. Since it seemed to her to be just an idealist movement, her joining those who struggled against the crushing of life like the movement was, she then enclosed herself in an individualization that, if she weren’t careful
could turn transform itself into a hysterical and contemplative solitude as touching as it would be in this situation, she sought not to communicate with the world through her own solitude.
[bills and drawings]
[drawings]
[bills]
(she gave me 3,750 in change)
She says she owes me 38,315
70,00 or 46,915
67,00 or 43,165
[bills]
[drawings]
38,315 – Alzira owes me
20,000 – I owe Alzira
______
18,315 – Alzira only owes this
If it was not my wanting of closeness that didn’t make me angry with him. I was fighting my wanting of closeness. But truly was I fighting? Because he would push me away? I can see him pushing me away gently.
I couldn’t marry someone with his name.
[drawings]
[back cover]