Itens

Dream – Two days before trip. Before dreaming: conscious thought: “I’m returning to the place where I came from. Ideally I’d go to the small Russian village, and be born again with another basis. Dream: a public meeting place, a pathetic important person (a man) was judging, I would or wouldn’t be selected (I think to go to Russia or

I’m afraid to lose “protection” — what kind of protection? What is the idea I make of having protection, of being protected? It is to have everything, and not to have the anxiety of the duty to give something in return? Protection of [presence]? Enough protection, so I’m able not to be afraid of going and be free, because I know I have where to return.

and give warmth, till the person would give me some attention”. Tania said: “till you were about 10, I was not very aware of you, suddenly I became aware how interesting you were” I suppose she really meant: I became aware how much you needed me.

I don’t know what to do when the person comes to me; I’m the one to go to the person. To be selected is disturbing. I have to ask, I have to select.

The question is: if I became completely still, would the next moment ever come? The answer is: “no it wouldn’t come, I have to make it”; Translated: if I don’t go to the person, would ever the person come to me? The answer: “no, if I don’t go to the person to make with her my next moment, nobody will come to me”. Even more translated, in term of the past: “nobody at home came to me, I had to ask and beg and caress,

[drawings]

not), the audience was sitting in a circle – and in the middle, in the emptiness of the stage, the table, sat the very grave man, whom I was afraid of, I was called, and I sought to act in the most correct manner, gesture and words. He was accusing me in public. And he finally said I couldn’t go because in Russia only feminine women entered – and not me

betrayed myself
For I wasn’t. He had noticed two of my gestures, and what they symbolized. 1st) I had lit my own cigarette, but a woman waits with her cigarette until a man lights it 2nd) I myself moved the chair closer to the table, when I should have waited for him to do it for me. So I defended myself, I began to wake up, and I was already talking to [ILLEGIBLE] and trying